i've never been free

I just want to die, like, my life is going nowhere, im a fat fatty, and my life will probably end in...

Fri, 07 Dec 2012 04:59:15 -0500

I just want to die, like, my life is going nowhere, im a fat fatty, and my life will probably end in suicide anyway. Why should i live? Nothing will ever change, borderline personality disorder cant be “fixed” and people dont change so neither will i. I dont want to live anymore.

thanksgiving. a day when it’s perfectly acceptable to stuff your face like a pig. and...

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 02:25:02 -0500

thanksgiving. a day when it’s perfectly acceptable to stuff your face like a pig. and that’s exactly what i’m going to do. i’m going to just say “fuck it all” and eat every last bit of turkey my mother makes. because i’m sad. i’m lonely. i’m miserable. i’m in such unimaginable pain. i need to eat everything. i deserve to be happy. my entire life has been nothing but unwarranted pain, mental illness, intense anger, and where does it all come from? who the fuck knows? it’s borderline personality disorder. nobody knows where it comes from. i deserve an escape. i have to deal with myself every minute of every day. i’m afraid of my own mood changes. i’m afraid of my own anger. i’m afraid of who i am, this monster i’ve become. i can’t deal with the pain of having to deal with the pain, so i’m going to eat and eat and eat until the pain is binged into submission. and when it comes back, i’ll do it again, and again and again, until i’m nothing but a blob of fat and sadness, anger, and pain.

Photo

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 01:32:58 -0500

holy fucking shit.

Mon, 12 Nov 2012 01:32:45 -0500

holy fucking shit.

also, i’ve failed the abc diet every day since i started, i feel like such a fucking failure,...

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 20:33:31 -0500

also, i’ve failed the abc diet every day since i started, i feel like such a fucking failure, i feel so fat and worthless, and my ocd is really kicking my ass about it, so i’m going to fast for two days, then on saturday and sunday, eat and take laxatives, then fast for four days, and friday saturday and sunday, eat and take laxatives, you know, just binge on the weekends. i just hope i don’t binge too much, because every time i binge too much i eat and eat until my stomach feels like it’s about to explode (which i’ve heard is possible in people with eating disorders)

the cuts on my thighs from last week are starting to heal, they’re itchy as fuck. that’s...

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 20:28:50 -0500

the cuts on my thighs from last week are starting to heal, they’re itchy as fuck. that’s part of the reason i haven’t done it for so long, because they itch when they’re healing. also because i’ve had no desire to do it. i don’t know why, it’s not a “phase” but sometimes i just don’t want to do it, and then i do it a lot to get out all the feelings i bottled up when i wasn’t cutting, like a cutting binge.

tatteredsanity: submitted anonymously

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 16:34:13 -0500

tatteredsanity:

submitted anonymously

beforeandafterweightlosspics: doingnotwishing Please excuse my...

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 13:25:41 -0500

beforeandafterweightlosspics:

doingnotwishing

Please excuse my derpy face in the second photo…

Well, I got here from, honestly, lots of failure. There were days on my journey when I ate 5,000 calories of pure shit. There were days I wanted to quit - and did; but I started over again and again until I didn’t want to quit anymore.

When I started my journey I thought healthy people were annoying motherfuckers who liked to throw their happiness in my face, obviously I am now one of the motherfuckers :P Do not think you cannot do it, you will achieve your greatest dream. If you are where I was, heavier, or lighter, the story does not change YOU CAN DO IT!!

I used to scroll down “before and afters” and become depressed because I thought I would never be one, but here I am. And I am nowhere near the end, but this is about the journey - not the destination.

Message me if you have any questions about how I lost weight and what I am doing now.

www.doingnotwishing.tumblr.com

sstaystrongerr: sstaystrongerr: i decided to use the most...

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 10:08:58 -0500

sstaystrongerr:

sstaystrongerr:

i decided to use the most recent picture of me on the right. sorry my face is blurred on the left but you can see my figure.

250lbs

149lbs

:) “When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you’ll be successful”

and i just wanna make a note of my legs on the left and on the right.

reblogging to point out the difference in my legs again!

i wish this could be me.

it’s official. my family doesn’t give a shit about me. i was freaking out and screaming...

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 17:31:21 -0500

it’s official. my family doesn’t give a shit about me. i was freaking out and screaming and crying because i thought my mom was going to send me back to the psych ward, and my grandmother comes out of her room and says i “need to stop doing this to her” and that i “interrupted her nap” they don’t even know how traumatic the hospital was for me, so they have no room to say anything at all, they don’t know how i wake up crying and sweating in the middle of the night from nightmares, they don’t know because i never tell them, because i don’t want to give them more problems. one time. one time i scream and cry because i think i’m going back there, and they’re only concerned with me interrupting their day. how could they do this? how is that right? well my every single day is interrupted by flashbacks and random memories, and they say they suffer? they don’t even know what suffering feels like. they’ve never had to hold back tears in the middle of gym class because their own thoughts are bullying them, they’ve never had to go through life terrified of people even looking at them, and they’ve never had to go to psych wards. well, my grandpa did, but he signed himself out. i couldn’t do that. i couldn’t sign myself out, i was completely powerless, and nobody saved me, nobody saved me for three whole months.

^ i’ve already gotten sick of it.

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 16:16:43 -0500

^

i’ve already gotten sick of it.

vansandraybans: whattheydidntdo: abandonable: the-pain-only-ge...

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 16:14:10 -0500

vansandraybans:

whattheydidntdo:

abandonable:

the-pain-only-gets-worse:

amen.

THIS….

it’s a sickness, not a choice

what the fuck, depression isn’t a choice either ^

coldcoldmind: beh-nd-the-tears-0f-a-cl0wn: holy shit….no one...

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 16:13:38 -0500

coldcoldmind:

beh-nd-the-tears-0f-a-cl0wn:

holy shit….no one deserves this

but you always feel like you do…

i just had some really good peppermint tea with sweet n low. i’d recommend it. i had the...

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 16:04:16 -0500

i just had some really good peppermint tea with sweet n low. i’d recommend it. i had the natural caffeine free kind, so no calories there. and sweet n low has 1 for every two packets, so that’s 3 calories (yes i had 6 packets, i really like sweet n low in my tea, and lots of it)

Photo

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 15:40:28 -0500

my aunt just came over, and i’m hiding from her in my room. why does she have to come over so...

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 14:44:58 -0500

my aunt just came over, and i’m hiding from her in my room. why does she have to come over so often? i mean, can’t she just leave us alone? she’s done enough damage, she doesn’t need to keep coming back to remind me of it. last year she got me sent to the psych ward for three months, and that’s all i’m going to say about it for now, because i don’t like to talk about it, it’s so horrible, i don’t really feel like opening that back up. but i just wish she’d leave me alone. i want her to never ever come back, because every time she does it brings everything back up.

day one of the abc diet, i just woke up, and i’m feeling pretty good about this, i feel like i...

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 14:14:09 -0500

day one of the abc diet, i just woke up, and i’m feeling pretty good about this, i feel like i can do it. let’s see how it goes. today is 500 calories.
also in this post, i’m going to tell you my opinion about self injury okay here it is

i, personally, think it’s a great way to relieve stress and anxiety. some people might not think that. nobody’s opinion is right, however, because they’re opinions and not facts. i’m going to give you some facts though, without using society’s opinions of it.
fact 1: you can get infections from it. i haven’t gotten one yet (which is good)dd
fact 2: it releases hormones which can make you feel better (isn’t that why people do it?)
fact 3: it’s usually a sign of some underlying emotional disturbance, meaning, you’re not crazy, just sad or anxious

if you don’t do it already, don’t start unless you’re absolutely sure you want to. it can be more trouble than it’s worth sometimes, with the anxiety if you get caught, having to cover up all the time, having to buy first aid stuff (or steal it from your family and hope nobody notices).

sometimes i just want somebody to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay, but nobody ever...

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 13:34:31 -0500

sometimes i just want somebody to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay, but nobody ever does. nobody cares about how i’m feeling. everybody’s so caught up in dealing with other things that nobody notices how much pain i’m in.

i wish i was tiny. looking at my background always makes me want to try harder. tomorrow i’m...

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 13:32:49 -0500

i wish i was tiny. looking at my background always makes me want to try harder. tomorrow i’m starting the abc diet, and i’ll post about my progress.

keau: never ever. too bad, she’s going to anyway.

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 12:21:16 -0500

keau:

never ever.

too bad, she’s going to anyway.